So you want more than one?

You tell people you are adopting, and they are so excited for you. You tell people that you are requesting siblings, and they think you are losing your mind. Oh, they won't tell you that to your face (ok, maybe some will); instead, you get that look of shock and something like, "Wow!" or "Really?!" or some other non-committal word or phrase that tells you that they just can't process what you have said and give a positive response.

It is a big decision and should be thoroughly considered and researched. Only being home now about 2.5 months, we are far from being experts on the matter, but we can at least give our perspective for others to mull over.

Let's go way back. All they way back to those dreamy, romantic days before marriage. My friends and spouse will all tell you that I wanted a lot of kids. Five was my magic number, but I would go for four. M was more in the 3-4 range. You see, we are both from large families. Both of my parents come from very large families -- I have so many aunts, uncles and cousins that I still have to ask my mom who is who, and I could never identify them all. I always considered it an accomplishment if I could name my mom's 10 brothers and sisters, and I've never been able to name all of my dad's. I happen to be the baby of 4, and Mark is the 4th of 5 kids. So, for us, the idea of having 1 or 2 kids seemed all wrong.

Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans. When the whole pregnancy thing didn't happen, we turned to adoption and became parents to our beloved J. We couldn't imagine that he would be an only child, but we also knew how difficult and expensive adoption can be. Then, there were job changes, moves, and issues cropping up in Guatemalan adoption. It took us until he was 5 to feel ready to begin the process again. As we began, we knew that it would probably be our last shot. Time and money would not be on our side. We felt blessed to have J and blessed at the chance for one more. No, two children didn't fit into the life scenario I had concocted in my head, but I knew we were lucky to have any children at all. We would be thankful for our two and move on.

Then, as most of you know, China adoption became extremely slow and frustrating. We often evaluated our options only to think that by the time we did anything that our China referral would come. At the 14 month mark, three things happened: China issued 2 days worth of referrals, our immigration paperwork needed renewal, and our agency became licensed in Ethiopia. Time again to re-evaluate. We realized that by switching we could request a sib set, have either gender, and expand our age range.

When adopting sibs, you are generally doing one homestudy, one dossier, and one CIS approval request. That also means one set of fees. Our agency has an additional child fee that it charges to help cover in-country costs, like visas, medical exams, etc. It is a small fraction of the cost of a complete adoption. So, one big advantage of adopting sibs is doing one set of paperwork and not paying for two complete and separate adoptions.

Another advantage when adopting sibs is that you are able to assure that you have children from the same country. International adoption is always changing, and just because you easily adopt from one country today does not mean you will be able to tomorrow.

Now, to the question that everyone wonders about: Is it hard? Here is how we look at it. Right now, yes, it can be hard. We went from one child to three, and there is no way that that is an easy thing to do. I am sure it is much easier to add one at a time. However, rather than look at just the difficulty of adjustment in the first 6 months to a year, we looked at a whole lifetime.
But that's not what you want to know. You want to know what makes it hard RIGHT NOW. Well here ya go:
--both children needing attachment attention at the same time.
--figuring out logistics of how to do simple things. For example, who gets their bath first?? Who gets strapped into their carseat first??
--needing a minivan.
--laundry, laundry, laundry (including the new load of girly pink clothes) and more laundry.
--sibling rivalry.
--food, toilet paper, paper towels, soap, lotion, detergent, etc., etc., etc. In other words, you need more of everything.
--sleep. It is tough enough to handle the sleep issues of one child. Even tougher dealing with two -- especially if they share a room and one wakes the other.

It's a lot of adjustment, and this doesn't take into account having other children in the home. (J has had his own adjustment issues that have spiced things up a bit.) However, with some planning, patience, and time, a new norm takes hold. Be sure of what you and your family can handle and prepare as much as possible. Also, be willing to accept help when you come home -- something that is often hard for me to do, but I'm very glad I did. Finally, put expectations (yours and others) aside and take things slowly. Live at the pace that best fits the adjustment of the children and don't force things you are not ready for. Eventually you will feel like you can turn things up a notch, but don't do it if you are not there yet.

Finally, I want to say that it was a great decision for us. I honestly can't imagine a smoother transition for our two kiddos. Did it help them to have each other? I think so. In many ways, I think the adjustment has been harder for us than for them, but I would prefer it that way. They've been through enough, don't you think?

So, if you are considering sibs, get yourself ready for extra work, extra exhaustion, extra fun, and extra hugs and kisses. Oh, and come up with a response for all those people who will think you are nuts.
:)
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