get me some velcro

Bonding and attaching. Many people think that these are the same thing, but they're not. Attachment is a much stronger form of a bond. Think of it this way: You and your favorite co-worker bond over a pizza and beer when you go out. You complain about work, gossip about other co-workers, etc. But would you tell that co-worker a deep dark secret? Would you confide in him/her your fears? Is this the person you call when you need someone? Probably not. Think of your mother. Your sister. Your best friend. Think of the person you trust with your life. That is attachment.

Adopted children may have different levels of attachment with their new parents. Some parents claim that attachment happened quickly and they have no issues in that regard. Others, however, need to seek professional help in order for attachment to happen. No matter what, it is something that adoptive parents have to work on from the beginning to ensure its success. Those who ignore signs of problems will end up facing much bigger issues later, and they will be harder to fix.

Part of the whole process is making sure that all of the caregiving is done by the parents. The child needs to learn that these new people will take care of him/her and they can be trusted to always be there. If not, they will go to anyone for anything, and that is a bad, bad thing. Unfortunately, those who are not in the know look at that behavior and say, "Oh look, she likes me! She's letting me hold her and carry her and feed her! What a good girl!"

Ugh! No! No! No! You see, the problem is that while it might seem so sweet and nice that the child will let Grandma, Aunt Sally, and mom's best friend do this, the child will probably also let the neighbor down the street, the stranger they have never met, or maybe even the psycho child predator that no one knows about.

So, it is super-duper important that these kiddos learn to identify with the parents as their sole caregivers for the first several weeks that they are home. They have to form that attachment of trust and understanding before they start going to others for diaper changes and feedings.
In a similar vein, it is important for adopted kids to cry. You see, many have been in an orphanage setting where their needs were not met when they cried, so they just stopped. Since crying is how little ones communicate, not crying is not good.

So, for all you out there who might have newly adopted children in your lives but aren't their parents, don't be offended if you can't care for the kids right away. Mom and Dad aren't being mean or selfish or over-protective. There are lots of ways to help out: Make a meal, clean something, do a load of laundry, shop for groceries, help organize all their stuff -- because they have a LOT of stuff. But when the little one needs a diaper change or the toddler needs the potty, take them to mom or dad. When they need to be fed, go ahead and find the food, but have mom or dad give it to them. Also, don't take the child out of the parent's sight until the parent indicates that it is ok.

For some it will happen quickly, but for others it will take longer. Right now, our little one will scream his head off, I'm sure, if someone other than mom or dad were to change his diaper. (Hey, he screamed at us the first few times, too!) But our 3 yo is different. She is an outgoing little girl who loves attention, and she is showing us she is willing to go to others. It is something we have to be careful with for awhile. It can be hard when you are cute and giggly and everybody loves you -- makes bonding easy, though.

I know that many of you reading this probably know all this stuff, but maybe some of you don't, so that's why I'm putting it out there. Adoption is complex and requires a lot of education and work. Thanks to all of you who help just by being there and understanding.
:)