infant, no?

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time, but I just haven't had the quality time necessary to do it justice. Well, I still don't, but I am going to attempt it anyway. (Hey, it's not like you will know when I pause to deal with a screamin' child or to put someone on the potty, right??)

What I want to focus on is the idea of adopting a toddler or preschooler -- an idea that was once a bit scary to us. You see, most people go into adoption wanting AYAP (As Young As Possible.) And for many of those people, that also means an AYAP girl. When we started paperwork to adopt J, we had no gender preference, but because he was our first child, we did want AYAP. Besides the obvious reasons, we had also heard the problems that often come with an older child. We weren't ready for that. Then, in 2005 when we started paperwork for #2, we had to do a little more contemplating: We were no longer first-time parents, we already had a boy, our child was already 5 years old, and this would likely be our last adoption. We were choosing between Colombia and China because Guatemala was no longer an option for us. With Colombia, we would likely be matched with a toddler boy, and with China we would almost definitely get an infant girl. Besides being drawn to China, we were also a bit wary of "toddler boy" and what that would/could mean. So, we hopped in line for an infant girl from China. And we waited. And waited. And waited. We waited long enough for us to realize a few things: Gender didn't really matter to us, we could handle an older child, and the point was simply to become parents again. We had experienced an infant and didn't feel an overwhelming need to go through it again.

So what about the scariness of a toddler or (gasp!) a preschooler?? Toddlers are already "terrible" as we all know; what about an adopted one? And a preschooler? They already have language! How do you even communicate with them? What about attachment? We did our research about the special needs and issues that an older child may come with, and we also learned what we could from those who had gone before us. I will not lie. There is some scary, scary info out there about older adopted children. It is vitally important to research it, understand it, and figure out if you could handle it. That being said, I think many who do that are armed for the worst and they are pleasantly surprised at how prepared they are for what comes their way.

You also have to look at the country and situation you are adopting from. Has the child been in an orphanage from day one? Have they been in foster care? In Ethiopia, many of the older children have been living with family before being placed in an orphanage, so they tend to spend less time away from a primary caregiver and have fewer issues with attachment and bonding.

So, when we made the decision to switch from China to Ethiopia, we broadened our hopes: a sib set of 2, either gender, 0-36 months in age. We felt prepared for any combination that might bring, and I feel we received exactly what we were meant to: a 3 yo girl and a 14 mo boy.
Some of the plusses? No formula, no baby food, able to feed themselves, all or most teeth already in, walking, S able to dress herself, not having to lug around all the crap that babies requrie, easier communication. Yes, S came to us very fluent in Amharic, and we had some interesting times, but her native language (unfortunately) is all but gone. The language barrier was actually a fairly small hurdle and not one that I would use as a reason to not adopt an older child.

The big negative: not having baby pictures and other baby history.

One thing people worry about is missing all the "firsts." Yeah, sure, you do miss the first tooth, the first step, etc., and that is a toughy to accept. However, you still have a whole lifetime of firsts to experience, including a lot of firsts that they simply haven't experienced because of where they are from. For example, on Saturday the kids had their first milkshake. Let's just say I had to pry the cup away from E more than once. :) There are things that they have never seen, things they have never done, and foods they have never eaten. It really makes you see your world in a whole new way.

Would I recommend adopting a toddler or preschooler? Most definitely!! Just learn about the issues they may come with and be prepared to handle them. Remember that ALL kids have issues, and by knowing what yours may have, you will be more prepared than those who think their kids are perfect and problem-free. (hahahahahah -- that cracks me up!) Also, don't assume that infant won't have attachment issues -- even a home-grown child can have attachment problems. Our toddler and preschooler (now home 4.5 months) have been attaching to us beautifully and have transitioned remarkably well. I never ever ever imagined they would do so well.

Feel free to ask questions and I'll answer what I can.