we are soooo not with it

We're not rich. Not by a long shot -- especially after adopting 2 kids. So, when you come to our modest home, you won't find our tv hooked up to cable, a flat-panel hanging on the wall, or a Wii waiting to be played. Our desktop computer is over 4 years old (ancient!) and our digital camera is an inexpensive Kodak. I do have a reasonably-priced laptop which was bought specifically for school and our adoption trip. It has come in handy now that J is vying for computer time.

So why do I share all this? Because we recently found out that this makes for a "boring" life when you are a second grader. Welcome to the world of "Why Don't We Have All of the Stuff All the Kids at School Have?" What makes this interesting is that it isn't about wanting all the stuff because it is fun and we like it, but it is more about fitting in.

You see, when you don't have a big ol' honkin' tv connected to TimeWarner or DishNetwork, you don't get Disney or Nickleodeon or the Cartoon Network or MTV. Therefore, you don't get the movies, the shows, or the commercials. For years, we have been blissfully unaware of what we were missing, and we were more than content to let PBS play in the background. Suddenly, a spotlight is shining on all the ways that make us different, and it doesn't feel so good. Now, it is true that we don't even like some of the s-t-u-p-i-d stuff that others have, but that really isn't the point now, is it?

This turned into a big mom moment. As someone who grew up with waaaay less than my children have -- and not just because a lot of it hadn't been invented yet, it would have been easy to just cut him off with the command to suck it up and to be grateful for what he has, but again, not the point. He needed someone to listen to him, to sympathize with his plight, and to help him figure it out. What struck me was that it was one of our first conversations about "not following the crowd" and "do what you love." It even swayed into the "Just Say No" campaign. I got him to think of a couple of things that the other kids have or do that he would be interested in and that would be appropriate and affordable. In other words, find a couple of ways to "fit in" while you remain true to yourself.

It made me stop and wonder: If we were rich, would we buy all of that stuff? Or, would we use our money in a different way? I would like to think we would not give in to consumerism and what the Joneses have, but it is hard to say. What I do know is that I have a kid who, when he grows up, wants to be a microbiologist, a chef at Sugardaddy's, a Lego designer, a journalist, and President of the United States. (Yeah, I've told him that he can't legally be the last one.) He wants to be ALL of them, not one or the other. I know it is going to be hard for him during these years where it is so important to look like, act like, and be like everyone else. And, although he doesn't understand it now, the day will come when he will proudly proclaim his differences to the world in order to be set apart from all the sheeple out there. (Can we say "college scholarship" please??) But I truly hope that some of these parenting decisions and basic circumstances mold him and our other children into educated, independent, strong adults who think for themselves. The journey will be hard, but I think we will get there. With or without a wii.

aren't they cuuuuute????

Let's see, I've had a request for pics of the kiddos. You have probably noticed that I do not post a lot of kid pics. One reason is that I really don't want a ton of photos of our children on the internet, but another reason is that I am a lousy photographer and rarely have the camera ready and in reach. However, one of our favorite teenagers, Hannah, took some awesome fotografias for us a few weeks ago, and we snapped some ourselves just yesterday in anticipation of our first post-placement report. So here you go. Enjoy!

These first 3 were taken by Hannah:

Now here are a few that I took. You'll see why I should leave the creative shooting to the cool kids who know what they are doing.

Fortunately, I have beautiful subjects to work with. Oh, I should probably mention that E and J went for haircuts shortly after this photo shoot, so now all of E's curls are gone. Still unbelievably adorable, and his eyes look even bigger.

Maybe I'm just seeing things that I want to see, but as I look at the pic of the three kids together, I can see physical similarities between J and the little ones. I made a point to show him because he's having a hard time with differences right now. We're in a phase of "different is bad, same is good" and he seemed to appreciate the likeness among them. Well, that's a topic for a whole 'nother post, so I won't get into it too much here.

Hope you enjoyed these mug shots of our beautiful babes. :)

60 days

Two months ago today we arrived home in Columbus with two new children. I guess 2 months isn't a very long time, and it doesn't feel like it either, but I am amazed at the distance we have come.

First, I want to say that I am absolutely amazed at how well S and E have transitioned and adjusted to their new life. Yes, E wanted nothing to do with the mama for several days, and S had moments of sobbing grief, but it is like they totally get what is going on and they are all for it. Our days are not rainbows and puppy dogs. We have a toddler, a preschooler, and a second-grader, so how could they be? As parents, we are challenged daily, hourly, and by the minute, but we are hanging in there. Life is good.

I used to think I was so busy -- mom to a busy school-ager, wife, part-time instructor, blah, blah, blah. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! And what's funny is that even when I think about what I did during the day today, it sounds so lame: Fed 3 kids breakfast, got J off to school, bathed E, got S and E dressed, hair done, dressed myself, made lunch, drove to Westerville for the kids to go to the eye doctor, did a load of laundry, vacuumed a couple of rooms. Doesn't sound like much. So why am I so exhausted?? I've decided that what is so tiring about raising 3 kids isn't just what I do PHYSICALLY, but it's also what I do MENTALLY. Trying to figure out what a 18-month-old is attempting to communicate is very draining. Throw in a 3-year-old with limited English mixed with a smidgen of Amharic and it is like spending your entire day working on a NY Times crossword puzzle. Oh, of course, there are also the behavioral issues to deal with: tantrums, sharing problems, whining and crying. And that's just me! :)

We still have paperwork to do and thank-you notes have been sitting around waiting to be written. Housework is never ending. Planning a day around meal times, nap times, and bus times provides some mental gymnastics, and picking up a 24-pounder and a 30-pounder has resulted in some interesting muscle discoveries.

Life has definitely changed in the last couple of months, and I am tired. But, thankfully, I can see and feel the calming and settling. Our family mobile became unbalanced and some shifting has been taking place to rebalance it. It may still tilt to one side or another a bit, but we will soon even out and turn in time together.

challenge #2: hair

Often times, when a vanilla-colored person chooses to adopt a chocolate-hued little girl, one of the big worries is how to take care of and do her hair. African hair tends to have different needs and different methods for care and styling, and even those needs and methods can vary depending on the length and texture of your child's hair.

Before we brought the kids home, I did a bunch of research and tried to prepare myself for the task. While I certainly don't feel like a pro, I do feel like I can get S's hair done decently enough to take her out of the house.

So what is my challenge? E.

Yes, E. You see, S is very good about sitting down in front of PBS kids and watching tv or looking at a book or even doing her own mamush's hair while I work on hers. She's very patient and likes to help me keep track of all the hair doodads. Wonderful! Now add E. My 1.5-year-old toddler boy obviously is not so keen on the amount of attention that S gets during this time and the lack of attention he receives. So, while attempting to detangle, comb, condition, oil, brush, twist, braid, etc. his sister's hair, he insists on climbing on me, getting into the hair bucket, spreading the doodads everywhere, and causing general mayhem. Giving him a toy or book lasts for maybe a minute. He would much rather be between me and S's hair.

Because they are on similar schedules for eating and napping, and S tends to sleep later than E, there really isn't a time when I can do her hair without E in the room. The days that are the most challenging are the ones where I am having trouble with S's hair AND I have the "assistance" of little brother. Oy!

On the plus side, he really likes to help clean up the doodads when we're finished! Hey, I'll take whatever I can get.

This Mumblerrr challenge was brought to you today by detangling spray and the big Dannon yogurt container filled with little girl hair doodads in all styles and colors.

MLK Day

I'm not old enough to say I remember Martin Luther King, Jr. or that I traveled on some great adventure to hear him speak. Still, I am old enough to know something more about the man than the mere fact that he had a dream. I do worry that as our society ages that that is all we will know.
Oh yeah, MLK, he was that really famous black man who had that "I have a dream" speech waaaay back in the 1960s, I think.
Ok. Good. Now, what was his dream? And how did he try to achieve it? Would you do the same?

I wonder what he would think about the progress of his dream? Are we judged on the content of our character and not the color of our skin? No. I don't think we are there yet, but I do believe we are closer. While I wasn't around when we were divided by drinking fountains, diner counters, and bus seats, I do remember being told about it and not really believing it. My dear 72-year-old mom loved to give me history lessons in the form of personal narratives. Growing up in the south, she told of listening to war reports around the family radio and remembering the day JKF was shot and what she was doing. When she described the life of segregation, I almost didn't believe her. As a child, I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that the color of your skin determined which restroom you could use or what school you could attend. What did she mean that they had signs that said "Colored" above the drinking fountains? It all just sounded insane to me. Stories of the existence of the KKK and the idea that men dressed in white sheets, lit crosses on fire, and harassed and killed people scared the bujeebees out of me. I hated their hatred. Just imagine if we as a country didn't have the courage to change.

We are now at a point where interracial marriage with biracial children is common. One of the wealthiest people in our country is an African American woman with enormous power. Our top athletes and many of our most popular entertainers tend to be people of color, as do some of those who now occupy top government positions. In fact, as we all know, the highest office in the land is up for grabs, and an African American has a true opportunity to win it. I will be honest and say that I haven't chosen my candidate yet, but I am excited that my 3 brown children have a realistic chance of seeing someone besides an old white man in the White House sometime during their lifetime.

What would MLK think of all this? What would he think of two light-peach colored people raising 3 children of varying shades of beigey-brown? What would he think of a biracial man legitimately vying for the presidency of The United States of America? What would he think of New Orleans and Jena? Racial profiling and rap music? Oprah? Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols? The Muslims, Christians, Jews of today? I think he would love much of what we have done, but I think he would also continue to dream for all God's children.

can't find love?

Everyone should marry for love. Right? That is what we are always told. After all, when you get married you not only marry the person, but you also marry his or her quirks, family, temperment, beliefs, etc. So, you really should love him or her because as they say, "Marriage is grand, but divorce is 20 grand."

Well, I'm going to add one exception to the love rule. If you can't marry for love, marry a pastry chef.

I'm super lucky. I married for love and THEN he turned into a pastry chef. Woooo Hoooo!!!

M is the executive chef for an online brownie company called Sugardaddy's Sumptuous Sweeties, and he makes the best brownies in the world. Just ask Bobby Flay -- the loser to Sugardaddy's on Throwdown with Bobby Flay on the Food Network. (Click on over to www.sugardaddys.com to see what I'm talking about.)

One of the cool things about being the bride of a brownie maker is that I get to be a taste tester. Everytime they decide to consider a new flavor or product, I get to try it and give my 2 cents. Normally, my 2 cents is worth about half that, but I do like to take credit for suggesting they have a nut-free brownie available. (Why must we insist on messing with the awesomeness of chocolate?? Unless you are adding more chocolate, leave it alone!!)

So guess what they are working on now??? Truffles and cheesecake!!! The truffles are made from the brownies, and the goal for the cheesecake is to have a truly terrific cheesecake that includes signature Sugardaddy's in it -- as part of the crust, for example. Let me tell you, there is nothing like having your husband come home with 3 slices of cheesecake and asking you to grab a fork and give your preference. (How many husbands want their wives to eat dessert AND voice their opinions??)

Tonight he walked in the door with truffles.

I love my life.
:)

challenge #1

I've decided that I will occasionally post some of the challenges that pop up here at the homestead. Figured it will serve multiple purposes: let's me vent, gives you a glimpse at what we sometimes face, maybe we can get some feedback on dealing with the challenge, and perhaps best of all, you might get a giggle for the day.

Challenge #1 deals with potty time. Not mine. Theirs. You see, ever since E decided that he also wanted to sit on the potty, he has realized that it is a great way to get attention. So he uses it. The result of this is that S has also realized that it is an attention getter. What happens is that multiple times a day, one of them will announce to me that he or she needs to go potty, so instantly the other must go potty too. Having more than one bathroom in the house isn't really a help because I don't want to leave one alone to deal with the other -- especially E. I've taken to removing the toilet paper roll when he is pottying so that he doesn't turn it all into confetti.

I guess one-on-one time with the mama is so difficult to come by that they have to get it whenever and however they can -- even if that means trying to go when they don't need to go. I'm just thankful that J hasn't decided to get into the act.

That is Challenge #1. Brought to you today by Charmin, the numbers 1 and 2 and the letter P.
I'll share another some other time. There are plenty to choose from!
:)

rant follow-up

To those who have inquired about using my previous ranting post, feel free to link it, print it, set it to music, whatever works for ya. Pass it around at the next office party or family gathering.

Also, we have come up with a response for that awful question, "Are they brother and sister?" referring to our Ethiopian son and daughter. From now on here is what we will say:

"Well, I guess so since we are the parents to all 3 of our kids."

If they persist with, "Oh, I meant are they biologically related."

We respond with, "Obviously biology and dna aren't important in our family." If we are feeling particularly bitchy we can add, "Why is it important to you?" or "Why do you need to know?"

I'll let you know how it goes.
:)

rant rant rant (sorry, it has to be done)

When you become an adoptive parent, you become kind of sensitive to certain things. This may be especially true when your children are of a different race and culture because they tend to stand out and draw all kinds of unsolicited thoughts. There are certain questions, comments, and social situations that tend to put me on edge. I have to try to remember that those around me probably have no clue about which they speak. It becomes a delicate balance between educating them, ignoring them, and wanting to give up my pledge of peace.

For example, people who make comments and ask questions when kids are standing right there. The question that annoys me the most lately? "Are they brother and sister?" Um, yes. Just like they are also sibs to J who was born in Guatemala. But the big question I have is, "Why do you need to know? Why is it important for you to know?" And do you have any clue how that makes my older son feel when you ask that in front of him??

Or how about when people ask why they were given up. Again, any of your business???? It absolutely AMAZES me when people think it is ok to ask about their personal background. I have had people that I have literally just been introduced to ask me about their birth mother. Huhhhh??? Yes, they have one. That's all you need to know. If we want you to know more, we will be more open and tell you. If not, you are likely to get a very vague answer filled with generalities. Take the hint.

Next. When someone is in the process of adopting, has a referral, has brought their children home, whatever, don't tell them horror stories or express negativity. This is the equivalent of telling a pregnant woman tales of deformed babies and miscarriages. This just isn't helpful, and it ends up being hurtful. Keep your tales of corruption, disruption, and bad kids to yourself. Oh, and just because your best friend's cousin's co-worker adopted and told you all about it does not put you in the position of someone going through it or who has gone through it. Every question you feel the need to ask has more than likely already been considered and researched by the person adopting. For example, "What if you get an HIV baby?" "Won't it be hard to raise a child of color?" "Isn't it expensive to adopt?" "How would you know what you are going to get?" And NEVER EVER ask this one: "Can you give it back?" (I know some of you think I am being facetious, but people really do ask these questions.) Instead of giving the Potential Adoptive Parent the negative third degree, just express your support and tell them how happy you are for them. Find out if there is any way you can help and be a good listening post. Adoption can be hard and there is always something during the process to vent about.

Oh, and one more big, huge thing. Our children are not charity cases and we did not adopt them to "save" them. No kid needs to grow up with that kind of debt on their shoulders. Yeah, we should all be grateful to and for our parents, but it shouldn't be a bigger requirement for those adopted. We adopted because we wanted to be parents. Period. Please don't tell us or them how lucky THEY are. They have lost their birth family, their country, their culture, their language, and all that they knew to be true in their short lives. That's not lucky. Yes, they have gained a lot, but it will be up to them to determine over the course of their lives if it was worth it. Only they can determine their fortune. Only when you hold a child racked with grief for what they lost can you truly understand this, so just take my word for it.

Because our reason for adopting has always been so clear in my heart, my head still has a hard time wrapping itself around the appreciation of others. Why would others express their gratitude for how we have built our family? I have figured out that for some people what we have done seems just so extraordinary that they can't help but tell us so. Others wish they could do the same but can't for whatever reason. (And others are just fascinated by such craziness. It's one of those "wow" things that they would never ever imagine doing themselves. Too bad for them.) For us, being a part of a large adoption community makes what we have done seem usual and normal. So, thanks to those who tell us how wonderful we are. (Who wouldn't like that??) We are touched by your kind thoughts and sincere wishes. I apologize if I ever seem uncomfortable by it. It's just that sometimes it is like someone has complimented me for doing something ordinary, like wearing shoes or chewing gum. Um, yeah, it's great that I was able to put on my shoes today. Yes, both shoes are part of the same pair. Thanks for noticing and being so appreciative. (Weird, huh?)

If you have made it this far, well, you must either be an adoptive parent, a relative, or suffering from insomnia. It's quite a long rant, I know. Just stuff I've been meaning to get "down on paper" for awhile now. Thanks for reading. I feel better now.

take down those Christmas lights!

Holidays are over. It's 2008. Everybody pack away the decorations and sweep up the pine needles. Go back to work, go back to school, go back to that exercise routine you abandoned last February. Start this new year right by taking the lights off your house and boxing up the inflatable snowman and santa clause. (Don't be surprised if I make this plea again in February. One of my pet peeves.)

I'm generally not one for resolutions, and this year I really one have one big goal: find a sense of normalcy and hold on tight. I feel like we are slowly getting there, but we still have more progress to make. I've read that it can take about 6 months to a year for kids to really settle in, and we are now about 1.5 months in.

It helps that we are getting some basic projects done around the house. For example, the office bedroom no longer looks like an abandoned room of an international holiday traveler. Oh, it was an aggravating mess, but no longer! It has taken over a month, but I think we have finally gotten everything put away.

Kids are pretty much on a routine now. (Let's not count last night's multiple wakings. Let's also hope it doesn't continue!) J is finally back to school today. He is still dealing with the upheaval in his life -- seems to think he is the only one in the world to ever become a big brother like this and nobody understands what it is like to have 2 little sibs. Sometimes, though, he forgets all the woe in his life and actually has fun with S and E. Like yesterday when we had Pajama Day here at home and had fun rolling around in the big bed with the cozy fleece sheets.

Well, we are having a crazy warm weather day today, and it is supposed to be warmer tomorrow. Perhaps a walk in the neighborhood with the double stroller is in order?? It will simply make me yearn for spring.

Oh, one more thing before I go:

O - H - I - O !!

(yes, all 3 of my children are wearing either scarlet and gray or an OSU shirt. It provided a great spelling lesson for S -- "Look sweetie, your shirt says, 'O-H-I-O' and mama's shirt, says 'O-H-I-O' and E's shirt says, 'O-H-I-O'." -- Just another learning opportunity to take advantage of!)

Go Buckeyes!
(don't crash and burn like you did last year!)

:)

we put the "multi" in "multicultural"

Taking J to a COFLAC (Central Ohio Families of Latin American Children) gathering on Saturday. With a little Yahoo searching, I found this group dedicated to families with children adopted from Guatemala and other Latin American countries. Glad to have something for J -- a way for him to meet other kids like him.


It will be quite a job balancing the American/Latino/African cultures in our household, but we'll give it our best shot. Lately, of course, I feel like there has been quite an emphasis on the little Ethiopians in our family, so it feels good for this Guatemama to once again do something culture-based with her Guatebaby. Yeah, yeah, I know he's not technically a baby anymore, but he always will be for me.


Looking forward to seeing what he gets out of this gathering. Hope it goes well. They meet once a month, so this could be the start of something really cool for us. I'll fill y'all in later.


Adios,

:)

poopy post part 2

You may have read my previous poopy post here. It is filled with lamentations about the amount of poo that we seem to have to deal with lately. Well, that hasn't changed in the past couple of days, BUT we do have some exciting poopy news for you all.

Our 17-month-old son, E, has decided it is time to use the potty. He has been wanting to sit on it like his big sis, and he has been resisting diapers. So, yesterday I went out and bought a little potty seat just to see how he would do. (Or should I say "do-do"? Ha! I crack myself up!) The seat is one of those 3-in-1 deals -- potty seat, potty ring for big potty, and then eventually a step-stool. I could have spent an extra $10 and gotten one with Winnie the POO on it (how appropriate) and I think it played music, but E seems to have enough motivation. I also got a pack of pull-ups just to see if he might find those more appealing than diapers.

Ok, so this morning he sat a couple of time with no results. I had decided on a once-every-hour approach, but he decided it should be more like once-every-twenty minutes. Then, whaaa-laaa!! He went pee-pee in the potty! (Did you know you can make this into a catchy little tune?) So, there was all kinds of excitement -- especially since he was able to still wear the same pull-up.

But wait! There's more! He indicated once more that he needed the potty, so upstairs we went. This time we could sing two songs: Pee-pee in the potty AND poopy in the potty!! Yes!! I couldn't believe it. After what we went through getting J potty-trained, this is a wonderful! Sure, it could just be a novelty to him that doesn't stick, but I am going to run with it. Let's hear it for becoming diaper-free in 2008!

(My apologies to E for the embarrassment this could cause him in his teenage years, but I just had to share my excitement for this accomplishment. Someday he can write embarrassing stuff about me on Facebook or MySpace, and then we can all go on Oprah or Dr. Phil to work out our issues.)

:)