rant rant rant (sorry, it has to be done)

When you become an adoptive parent, you become kind of sensitive to certain things. This may be especially true when your children are of a different race and culture because they tend to stand out and draw all kinds of unsolicited thoughts. There are certain questions, comments, and social situations that tend to put me on edge. I have to try to remember that those around me probably have no clue about which they speak. It becomes a delicate balance between educating them, ignoring them, and wanting to give up my pledge of peace.

For example, people who make comments and ask questions when kids are standing right there. The question that annoys me the most lately? "Are they brother and sister?" Um, yes. Just like they are also sibs to J who was born in Guatemala. But the big question I have is, "Why do you need to know? Why is it important for you to know?" And do you have any clue how that makes my older son feel when you ask that in front of him??

Or how about when people ask why they were given up. Again, any of your business???? It absolutely AMAZES me when people think it is ok to ask about their personal background. I have had people that I have literally just been introduced to ask me about their birth mother. Huhhhh??? Yes, they have one. That's all you need to know. If we want you to know more, we will be more open and tell you. If not, you are likely to get a very vague answer filled with generalities. Take the hint.

Next. When someone is in the process of adopting, has a referral, has brought their children home, whatever, don't tell them horror stories or express negativity. This is the equivalent of telling a pregnant woman tales of deformed babies and miscarriages. This just isn't helpful, and it ends up being hurtful. Keep your tales of corruption, disruption, and bad kids to yourself. Oh, and just because your best friend's cousin's co-worker adopted and told you all about it does not put you in the position of someone going through it or who has gone through it. Every question you feel the need to ask has more than likely already been considered and researched by the person adopting. For example, "What if you get an HIV baby?" "Won't it be hard to raise a child of color?" "Isn't it expensive to adopt?" "How would you know what you are going to get?" And NEVER EVER ask this one: "Can you give it back?" (I know some of you think I am being facetious, but people really do ask these questions.) Instead of giving the Potential Adoptive Parent the negative third degree, just express your support and tell them how happy you are for them. Find out if there is any way you can help and be a good listening post. Adoption can be hard and there is always something during the process to vent about.

Oh, and one more big, huge thing. Our children are not charity cases and we did not adopt them to "save" them. No kid needs to grow up with that kind of debt on their shoulders. Yeah, we should all be grateful to and for our parents, but it shouldn't be a bigger requirement for those adopted. We adopted because we wanted to be parents. Period. Please don't tell us or them how lucky THEY are. They have lost their birth family, their country, their culture, their language, and all that they knew to be true in their short lives. That's not lucky. Yes, they have gained a lot, but it will be up to them to determine over the course of their lives if it was worth it. Only they can determine their fortune. Only when you hold a child racked with grief for what they lost can you truly understand this, so just take my word for it.

Because our reason for adopting has always been so clear in my heart, my head still has a hard time wrapping itself around the appreciation of others. Why would others express their gratitude for how we have built our family? I have figured out that for some people what we have done seems just so extraordinary that they can't help but tell us so. Others wish they could do the same but can't for whatever reason. (And others are just fascinated by such craziness. It's one of those "wow" things that they would never ever imagine doing themselves. Too bad for them.) For us, being a part of a large adoption community makes what we have done seem usual and normal. So, thanks to those who tell us how wonderful we are. (Who wouldn't like that??) We are touched by your kind thoughts and sincere wishes. I apologize if I ever seem uncomfortable by it. It's just that sometimes it is like someone has complimented me for doing something ordinary, like wearing shoes or chewing gum. Um, yeah, it's great that I was able to put on my shoes today. Yes, both shoes are part of the same pair. Thanks for noticing and being so appreciative. (Weird, huh?)

If you have made it this far, well, you must either be an adoptive parent, a relative, or suffering from insomnia. It's quite a long rant, I know. Just stuff I've been meaning to get "down on paper" for awhile now. Thanks for reading. I feel better now.