my guilt-filled hope

Our court date is Monday, October 29th. Of course, since Ethiopia is about 7 or 8 hours ahead of us, theoretically it could be done and over with by the time we wake up. (Well, maybe by the time I wake up; Mark wakes up at stupid o'clock.) So, we are literally hours away from our kids officially becoming our kids by Ethiopian law. This puts me in a really strange emotional place.

You see, Ethiopia requires a surviving birth parent or relative to come to the court hearing and affirm their written decision to place the children for adoption. From what we understand, court takes place in a large room with many people, and each case only takes a few minutes. Either our agency or our children's original orphanage will bring their birth parent/surviving relative in for the hearing -- actually go get them and bring them in.

So here is where I am. I find myself hoping and praying (ok, begging) that all goes well on Monday. Then I realize what I am hoping and praying for: For a loved one to make the supreme sacrifice. I then become racked with guilt. It is so hard to acknowledge the incredible loss that the children and their family are experiencing; however, it has to be acknowledged and we must deal with the grief. I know that it was the awful misfortunes of life that put these 2 beautiful kids in need of a home and parents. Our desire to adopt and be parents didn't create the situation. I totally understand that, but it doesn't keep my heart from hurting any less. So how do I reconcile this? How do I pray and plead for the adoption to sail through court knowing that it means pain and loss for their family? It is, in many ways, an awful position to be in. What I will try to do is focus on the kids and what this will mean for them -- a chance to move past the loss and have a safe, permanent, loving home with two parents, a big brother and an ornery cat. Like almost everything else in adoption, right now I have no control over what happens. I guess I can only ask for it to happen the way it is meant to happen.

So, while you are keeping your fingers crossed for us, please keep the birth family in your thoughts and prayers as well, sending them courage, strength and faith.